A Fish Named Sushi: Charlie gets Canned

Sushi had become a sensation.  From the margins of every river, she splashed up silv'ry sprays onto the silver screen.  She became Esther Williams.  Her Hollywood debut, My Slippery Dove was a hit.  And her memoir - Not So Easy to Love was a New York Times bestseller.  She toured constantly. 

She had a brief fling with Charlie and decided he couldn't be her agent any longer.  Forget the ethics, the incestuousness, the sturm und drang of dating another big fish in a scummy glorified pond.  He was a chronic hypochondriac.  She was sick of it, sick from it, and had to announce the split.

He didn't take it too well.  "Do you know I made you?!"  Human League's Don't You Want Me was playing in Charlie's tricked-out audio, strobe lights and all.

"Do you know who you're dealing with?!" He was relentless.

Sushi rolled her dry eyeballs.  "Yes, yes, you're Charlie, the big Tin-Tuna."

Charlie's own eyeballs bugged out of their sockets.  "Are you mocking me because I was from a can?"

Sushi sighed.  "No.  I said Tin as in Tinseltown.  How'd you get can?"

Charlie went into a line of expletives.  "You flippin', flip, flip, flip."

In fish speak, he had dropped the f-bomb.  Sushi was incredulous.  "Did you just use the word f-l-i-p?!"

"Oh grow up Sushi.  You can't even say it."

Sushi lost it.  "That's it!  You just got canned.  I am of-fish-ially firing you and breaking up with you at the same time!  And I can find a better agent.  You're nothing but a common canned piece of tuna.  So long Charlie, the party's over.  SO OVERRR!"

Poor Charlie.  But it's true.  With so many fancy varieties at the fishmongers', who really wants chicken of the seas?  There is, however, one dish I can't resist made with this throw-back.  A friend's mother used to make it for those easy after-school snacks and I marveled at the no-fuss value.  She called it the tuni-rooni as in tuna with macaroni.  I thought it was the most ingenious thing back as a child.  As soon as she was done, she'd open up a can of TaB, settle in the den, and indulge in one of her Harlequin romance novels.  This simpleness of her was quite nice.

The Tuni-rooni

You will need:

2 cans or 2 packs of StarKist tuna

A box of macaroni (brown rice brands if you need gluten-free)

Finely chopped purple onion  (this is the real star of the whole recipe so use by taste - please don't tell Charlie or Sushi)

Hellmann's mayonnaise (sorry, no other brand will do; you could go all out and make your own, but it really defeats the facile factor of this dish)

A little ground pepper to suit your taste

A little salt  (personally love the taste of Himalayan pink salt but be very careful with this one - a little really goes a long way)

Directions:

1)  Prepare the macaroni so it's al dente

2)  Mash up the tuna with enough mayo as if you were making a tunafish sandwich

3)  Add the macaroni - aim for a 1:1 ratio with the tuna/mayo compound

4)  Add the tiny pieces of purple onion and taste as you add slowly.  Too much can make it a spicy, acrimonious mess;  too little makes it boring   (treat it like a third marriage)

5)  Add the pepper and salt

Now,  round up the kiddies and tell them it's a farewell party for Charlie, the StarKist legend.  ~e